Bouts of Silence
I’m trying hard to discipline myself to sit down and write on a daily basis. Some days, the words come easily. Sometimes, though, there are simply too many...way too many...thoughts. It’s hard to craft a sentence when thoughts (or fragments thereof) clamor incessantly inside my skull, begging...demanding...to be heard. The cacophony overwhelms, and I fall silent.
That’s the way it’s been lately. Too many thoughts. Precious little clarity. I guess I can segregate the chaos this way: I’m flooded with reminiscences of my past (particularly the remembrance of those whom I’ve loved...and still love). I contemplate my future. I dwell on thoughts of Death. As for the present, well, it’s simply a matter of survival. Nothing more.
The Buddhists say to live in the Now. Not for me. Believe me, my Now is Hell. My only joys reside in either the past or the future. I feel no joy this day. My summer days are empty. I certainly do not endorse living this way for any living soul, but my life is what it is. My salvation rests in knowing that this is a transitory state...the arduous passage from one life into another. This is that awkward, disquieting pause just after I say good-bye to the longest night of my life, but before I can turn my face to greet the rising sun. There will come new dawns, new seasons, new adventures, and new beauties. They will be of my own devise, expressions of my will, my resolve, my heart, my soul...and my destiny.
I know this: my past experiences, particularly the love I’ve known, give me the will to press forward. The future beckons.
* * *
I’ve not mapped out the details of what my life shall be (nor do I really want to...not that I even can), but I’ve resolved to do the following:
Train for and finish a half-Ironman
Become certified as a teacher
Live and teach in Europe
Explore Chile (a deeply-rooted need planted by Amazing Woman)
Gaze upon the vast herds of wild horses in Mongolia
Die in Venice
As for all the rest? I leave it to Fate.
* * *
Death is omnipresent for me these days for, you see, my Mother is very near to Death. I’m trying hard to find the words.
That’s the way it’s been lately. Too many thoughts. Precious little clarity. I guess I can segregate the chaos this way: I’m flooded with reminiscences of my past (particularly the remembrance of those whom I’ve loved...and still love). I contemplate my future. I dwell on thoughts of Death. As for the present, well, it’s simply a matter of survival. Nothing more.
The Buddhists say to live in the Now. Not for me. Believe me, my Now is Hell. My only joys reside in either the past or the future. I feel no joy this day. My summer days are empty. I certainly do not endorse living this way for any living soul, but my life is what it is. My salvation rests in knowing that this is a transitory state...the arduous passage from one life into another. This is that awkward, disquieting pause just after I say good-bye to the longest night of my life, but before I can turn my face to greet the rising sun. There will come new dawns, new seasons, new adventures, and new beauties. They will be of my own devise, expressions of my will, my resolve, my heart, my soul...and my destiny.
I know this: my past experiences, particularly the love I’ve known, give me the will to press forward. The future beckons.
* * *
I’ve not mapped out the details of what my life shall be (nor do I really want to...not that I even can), but I’ve resolved to do the following:
Train for and finish a half-Ironman
Become certified as a teacher
Live and teach in Europe
Explore Chile (a deeply-rooted need planted by Amazing Woman)
Gaze upon the vast herds of wild horses in Mongolia
Die in Venice
As for all the rest? I leave it to Fate.
* * *
Death is omnipresent for me these days for, you see, my Mother is very near to Death. I’m trying hard to find the words.
posted by Jonas | 7/06/2006 11:27:00 PM
2 Comments:
So you want to travel in your future? I do, too. My fingers are perpetually crossed, hoping for a taste of foreign soil sometime within the next year or two.
I know the answer to this... but have you given any recent thought to your eternal future?
Amaris, I encourage you to travel. Had I had children, I would have surely urged them to expand their horizons as wide and as far as possible...to be citizens of the world.
One's life is a tapestry woven from one's experiences. Let the tapestry be laced with gold. Dream big dreams and live them. Experience as much as possible, taste all there is to taste, drink in all of life greedily, fill your eyes and ears (and heart!) with beauty. Weave a tapestry of great art and value!
I'm not sure how I should interpret this:
"I know the answer to this... but have you given any recent thought to your eternal future?"
If you have an answer, feel free to share (for I have precious few answers myself).
I'm sure I will be writing about death and dying in the not-too-distant future, for I am ever pondering these very things.
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