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Location: Midwest, United States

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Back to music...

For the past month I’ve been listening to the same eight songs. That’s not a typical pattern for me. I guess I’m still feeding on the marrow within each tune.

My listening habits offer me precious clues into my soul. I picture a soul as something real, yet far beyond the realm of words. I picture molten magma at my core. As in Nature, the molten core is ever present, yet only expressed through intermittent, wildly unpredictable eruptions...a geyser here or there, a warm river fed by geothermal springs, a shifting and a rumbling force powerful enough to destroy everything...yet mostly benign. It’s hard to know what’s going on so deep inside, but music offers a tiny ear hole to that core. My soul lets me know (in its own mysteriously magic way) what it needs to hear, the music necessary to pluck the right chords, transforming ineffable emotions into something I can ponder, grasp and appreciate.

So here I sit, headphones squeezing ears, and I’m listening to a precious handful of tunes. The songs resonate with devotion, grief, hope, joy, gratitude, exhortation and remorse. I listen to these few songs over and over again. The soundtrack to my life is stuck on auto-replay.

I’m starting to think I may be living in this state for quite a while...teetering between ecstasy and abject grief. I cling to my dreams. I’ve reached an age when my true joys and desires make themselves known to me, and bloom, in dreams. I’ve awoken from quite a few dreams in my day, as I’ve learned by doing what I need to do, learned what it is that I so desire. The dreams I clutch so fervently now are the only ones that truly matter. I will not let them go.

But dreams don’t come cheap. To find your heart’s only desire, and then to find that you will never satisfy that desire, is to suffer true agony. So it goes. It’s all a Kozmic Krapshoot, isn’t it? So be it. I’ll pay the price for dreaming, for it was through my dreams that I discovered ecstasy, purpose, meaning, rapture and hope. I will not let these dreams go, let the wounds bleed as they dreams are worth the agony.

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