Avalanche!
An avalanche is coming. I can feel the mountain giving way beneath my feet. I felt the first rumblings several weeks ago, and now I know it has truly started…my very own avalanche of raw emotion.
About twelve months ago, my life (as I had known it for decades…my life...as I had dreamed it could be) came to an end. It didn’t end with a bang or a whimper. It ended with a scream (c'mon, let’s all channel Edvard Munch, now). My whole life came to a screaming, horrifying and devastating end.
I had known, for many years, that a cruel end was coming. My foundations, walls, and rafters had been crumbling, sagging, warping and rotting for a long, long time. Life can do that to the strongest of the strong. I didn’t expect this chapter to end the way it did (too much the optimist, I guess), but there was no mistaking the end when it finally came.
What can I say about the past year? Well, it has been a litany of misery. There was betrayal; abandonment; cruelty; derision; withdrawal; isolation; silence; alcoholism (no, not mine); calumny; violence (I was on the receiving end); a medical emergency (not mine, either); finger-pointing; police lights in the driveway; prevarications; drug therapy (225 mg of Effexor daily…enough to destroy the gastrointestinal tract of a small horse…never mind what it did to this graying geezer); interventions; suicidal longings; counseling; attorney histrionics; Alzheimer’s (again, not mine…not yet, anyway); soul-searching; shame; penitence; the slaying of demons and dreams; and pain…lots and lots of pain…a ferocious Category 5 hurricane of pain.
If anything good can be said of all this, it would be that this long and fearsome storm forced me to seek answers for the most pertinent, the most important, questions of my life: “What is it that I truly want?” I asked. “Whom do I truly love?” I wondered. “Who, the hell, am I?” I questioned. The answers have been slow in coming. A great many wounds had to be reopened, there were buckets of blood to be mopped up, countless memories to be resurrected, vows reexamined, morals and desires reconciled.
And the final result of all this, you ask? Well, I’m not sure yet. I would tell you if I knew...but I don't...so I won't. Let me survive this hellish avalanche first. Let me claw my way through the darkness and the debris until I can see the sun, moon and stars again. Then, and only then, will I know (...if then).
The avalanche has overwhelmed me...
About twelve months ago, my life (as I had known it for decades…my life...as I had dreamed it could be) came to an end. It didn’t end with a bang or a whimper. It ended with a scream (c'mon, let’s all channel Edvard Munch, now). My whole life came to a screaming, horrifying and devastating end.
I had known, for many years, that a cruel end was coming. My foundations, walls, and rafters had been crumbling, sagging, warping and rotting for a long, long time. Life can do that to the strongest of the strong. I didn’t expect this chapter to end the way it did (too much the optimist, I guess), but there was no mistaking the end when it finally came.
What can I say about the past year? Well, it has been a litany of misery. There was betrayal; abandonment; cruelty; derision; withdrawal; isolation; silence; alcoholism (no, not mine); calumny; violence (I was on the receiving end); a medical emergency (not mine, either); finger-pointing; police lights in the driveway; prevarications; drug therapy (225 mg of Effexor daily…enough to destroy the gastrointestinal tract of a small horse…never mind what it did to this graying geezer); interventions; suicidal longings; counseling; attorney histrionics; Alzheimer’s (again, not mine…not yet, anyway); soul-searching; shame; penitence; the slaying of demons and dreams; and pain…lots and lots of pain…a ferocious Category 5 hurricane of pain.
If anything good can be said of all this, it would be that this long and fearsome storm forced me to seek answers for the most pertinent, the most important, questions of my life: “What is it that I truly want?” I asked. “Whom do I truly love?” I wondered. “Who, the hell, am I?” I questioned. The answers have been slow in coming. A great many wounds had to be reopened, there were buckets of blood to be mopped up, countless memories to be resurrected, vows reexamined, morals and desires reconciled.
And the final result of all this, you ask? Well, I’m not sure yet. I would tell you if I knew...but I don't...so I won't. Let me survive this hellish avalanche first. Let me claw my way through the darkness and the debris until I can see the sun, moon and stars again. Then, and only then, will I know (...if then).
The avalanche has overwhelmed me...
* * *
(to be continued)
(to be continued)
posted by Jonas | 5/22/2006 07:25:00 PM
2 Comments:
Jon, I just now read this. All I know to say is that I hope you can ride this out and find better days soon. Sometimes it just takes a lot of patience to wait out the changes.
Thank you, again, Ed.
There is something to be said for being stripped bare, with face turned to the wind. There is clarity and understanding. There is remembrance and appreciation.
I'd say this fool needed all this...wisdom is worth the price...I simply pray for a measure (I'd even settle for a small measure) of grace.
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