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Monday, May 11, 2009

Women I've Known


She came to love a pirate. He promised diamonds and adventures galore. She paid no nevermind that he was married for, you see, she trusted and believed. He came to spend her money. She wrote the checks and paid the bills...until there was precious little left for either. He spares no time in loving her. He gives her too little and she gives him too much. But she claims he is her “teacher” because she believes in Destiny. He is her pirate and she loves him still.

She met him on the corner, all dark-eyed and black-leathered. She gave him her heart and he gave her a ring. But he lusted after whiskey and whiskey made him cruel. He would beat on her when stupored...
but he’d repent...and then would do it all again. She dreamed her dreams but lived a life quite opposite. She tried to leave him; yes, she did. Sadly, her parents couldn’t cotton that. It was a matter of Faith for them. For her? It was bruises and contusions and hopelessness beyond all hope. She picked up a razor...it was her only escape.

She married her high school sweetheart, a handsome hard-working man he was. But she was a square peg and he had fashioned a round hole. He bristled and scoffed at her dimensions, demanded what she had no power to give or be. He left her feeling substandard, guilt-ridden, ashamed and unsure. Her story is still being written, the ending is still...quite obscure.

She married her mentor, a well-credentialed, pedigreed sort. She gave him her body and she gave him a son. He gave her his myriad admonishments, his disdain and his requirements. Still, she claimed he was a doting man (though his needs trumped those of any and all). She swore he was a good man, a good father. But did he listen to his child? Did he care enough to savor his own progeny? Maybe yes or maybe no. But he’s hers, she’s his, and together they remain.

She came to love sheer luxury...granite countertops and gold-plated faucets galore. She had voids to fill. Holes in an otherwise gorgeous soul. He came to loathe his money, her drinking and the harsh tirades. He gave what he could, ‘til there was nothing left to give. And she raged. He loved her and loves her still, but he walked away from luxury...to save his soul. Both lost everything, all that they had cherished. Both are doomed to grieve.

* * *

The casual reader may think that I wrote this out of pique or petulance. The casual reader would be wrong. These are women
I have loved. Women I love still. That’s not to say I understood or understand them. Not at all. I’m no bodhisattva...I am very much a fool.

These are women I have come to love. Not for how they chose to live, but for the beauty I saw within. Now, I’m not one to believe in the Great Hereafter. But for them? For them I dream of Heaven.

For them I dream...eternal happiness.

They've earned it.

* * *

21 Comments:

Blogger citizen of the world said...

I wonder, of people were honest, if most of us don't have those stories. It's hard, and people are rarely quite who they seem to be at first. And, after all, the heart wants what it wants.

Mon May 11, 08:42:00 PM  
Blogger Ponita in Real Life said...

In past lives, Jonas, I have been some of those women...

Now I am not. Now I am standing tall, alone but independent. Searching but not settling. Never again will I let anyone be to me what some have been in the past.

If that means I remain solitary, then that's what I am. But I have not lost the heart and the passion that longs to be shared.

Mon May 11, 08:50:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Yes, of course, Citizen, the heart will do what it must. Hearts are simply like that.

Bless the human heart, the hope, the blindness, the faith that it will all will work out in the end.

I, for one, can't believe or live any other way.

And I will ALWAYS love the loving heart. Even if it's mis-guided, naive, too hopeful, too trusting, too whateverthefuckever, I will always love the loving heart. 'Cuz if I didn't, I would surely perish.

And, yes, Ponita, you'll be fine. I can't say when, or with whom. But you'll be fine. Trust me on this.

Mon May 11, 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger Selma said...

WOW. Each woman is a separate, beguiling tale. I have known men with stories as tragic and intriguing as your women. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Beautifully written....

Mon May 11, 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Awww, Selma.

Thank you.

Mon May 11, 11:06:00 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

I think I will color this reading .... lavender.
Not really gray~ it has the color of a dream mixed in.
I've only had 2 men in my life-both good men~But we all have issues to bear. And to share... Thanks for sharing yours.

Mon May 11, 11:21:00 PM  
Anonymous joanne said...

i am the mis-guided, naive, too hopeful, too trusting, too whateverthefuckever... and no matter what ever love brings, i wouldn't have it any other way...

Tue May 12, 12:49:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Yes, Joanne, your heart is very much like that.

And that's good. Very good.

Tue May 12, 12:56:00 AM  
Blogger L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

Jonas, I must let this post settle. I am near tears with your words -- for reasons I know and reasons I know not.
Maybe it will make sense to me eventually.

Tue May 12, 02:32:00 PM  
Blogger Sally-Sal said...

I love that. I'm still finding what woman I am.

Tue May 12, 03:41:00 PM  
Blogger tipota said...

you would have to have a rather large heart jonas to love like that, in spite of the flaws and fixations, but i think as others have noted, love is not just a simple uncomplicated emotion, and you have found a way to be real with it and feel it, magnificent!

Tue May 12, 10:02:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Yes, it's all about the human heart and the love born(e) within...love in all of its tantalyzing beauty and its terrifying power to damage or destroy.

However could we live without these kamikaze hearts of ours?

Wed May 13, 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger the psycho therapist said...

I suppose one could say I've "earned it" considering the dues I've paid and clear intention in my actions but the truth is it feels more akin to being worth it, being deserving of it...for no other reason than I am...alive...with a good heart and loving soul.

Hello, you.

Wed May 13, 10:49:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Ah, my darling "psycho"! You've earned yer place in Heaven, too. Just like anyone/everyone who's shed buckets of salty tears in the name of Love.

You've earned it.

Wed May 13, 11:02:00 PM  
Blogger lu said...

Someone dear recently told me that what seems the cruelest, what feels the strongest, what scares us and what hurts us is Life. Without it we are coasting; The beauty we find inside of what seems broken or corrupted is the most precious. I get it.

Fri May 15, 01:00:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

I love the way Mary Oliver expressed it:

“…for it’s true, isn’t it,
in our world,
that the petals pooled with nectar, and the polished thorns
are a single thing –
that even the purest light, lacking the robe of darkness,
would be without expression –
that love itself, without its pain, would be
no more than a shruggable comfort…”

Fri May 15, 01:13:00 PM  
Blogger Woman in a Window said...

I think these stories are never quite over and perhaps yield different colours viewed from different angles. At least mine sure could be.

Nice writing Jonas.

Fri May 15, 09:00:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

You are absolutely correct, My Pella Princess. Except for one, the stories are nowhere near over (and my thumbnail sketches are simply that).

I stand on the sidelines hoping, cheering, wishing these loving hearts on...

Fri May 15, 09:10:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

P.S. When it comes to writng/poetry, Ms. WIAW, I can't hold a candle to you.

Never did. Never could. Never will.

Word.

Sat May 16, 03:00:00 AM  
Anonymous MamaRuns said...

You forgot me. I am one of those women you wrote about...but you forgot me. I have known love and violence and hurt. And I have survived. I am included here. Truly.

Wed Jun 17, 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Perish the thought, Sweet Mama! I may not know your story in even its broadest details but, for you, I also dream...eternal happiness.

Wed Jun 17, 11:04:00 PM  

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