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Location: Midwest, United States

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Which Way?

My mind is bogged down right now, as if my brain were a car stuck in a four-foot drift. Thoughts are blizzarding (I know that’s not a word, but it works for me) in my head. Most are personally significant, some interesting, some vital to my survival.

I attended a wake and funeral this weekend. Another member of my parents’ generation had finally found peace. I’m at that stage of life where I come to meet old friends and acquaintances at funerals. It used to be that weddings served that function; then baptisms, christenings, first communions, high school, then, college graduations. Now it’s funerals.

So I met with old friends and acquaintances and we talked of things that mattered: sorrows, fears, memories and family. The subject matter blended well with the solemnity of the occasion. I now find myself sitting at my keyboard not knowing even where to start.

It’s not that the funeral single-handedly overwhelmed my brain. It (my brain) has been running in "hyper-drive" for quite some entire life, in fact. I’m still pondering the “hearts in hands” metaphor, chewing on matters of faith, and oftentimes reminiscing. These reminiscences are vital to my survival, like the thoughts of home that succor the refugee lost in a foreign land. That’s what I am – a refugee, an exile. It’s just that I’m a refugee of the heart. "Have you returned to Kabul? You wouldn't recognize the place!" My heart is pretty much like that. It's been bombed and tortured and ravaged such that even I can't recognize it any more. I find solace in dreams of past loves.

There’s a lot to think about, a lot to dream about, and a lot to write about. Where to begin? Which way do I go?

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