Push - Pull
I seemed to be stuck in a duality-of-thought mode when visions of binary star systems popped into my brain. Ah. Yes. The analogy fits. Fits well.
I have feelings and thoughts that balance and counter-balance each other. Memories of a past. Dreams of a future. Hopes and fears. I am the mass at the center, with thoughts and reveries orbiting round and round, influencing each other, altering each other’s course, circling, crisscrossing, dancing; ever moving…ever burning.
On those nights when my ghost comes calling…tempting me to dance…well, dreams of a future don’t seem to hold much sway. I want to linger in that past just a little while longer. There are still those nights (though rarer, now) when I want nothing more than to look back and relive, once again, what was.
But so many hands tug at my sleeve. So many warm and wonderful hands. They gently direct my face and focus towards the future - a world of such fantastic possibilities. These hands have been tugging harder, lately, and with dogged persistence. When surrounded by my angels, I wonder why it has been so very hard to let go of the past, to let go of all those shattered dreams? My hands clutch at, what, exactly? These hands of mine are, in fact, practically empty. The promises and troths have long been broken, all trust destroyed, love torn and crumpled…renounced...tossed in a trash bin. Those past possibilities of mine proved to be, in fact, impossibilities.
What am I clutching?
Just handfuls of ashes.
Angels beckon and the past haunts. A cosmic push and pull, if you will. Still, the Cosmos is a miraculous place, is it not? A heavenly body will undoubtedly appear from somewhere beyond the dark horizon...
I see it now...pursuing a trajectory uniquely its own. This star will come to shift my gravity…pushing me farther and further into the future…pulling me farther and further away from my past.
I have feelings and thoughts that balance and counter-balance each other. Memories of a past. Dreams of a future. Hopes and fears. I am the mass at the center, with thoughts and reveries orbiting round and round, influencing each other, altering each other’s course, circling, crisscrossing, dancing; ever moving…ever burning.
On those nights when my ghost comes calling…tempting me to dance…well, dreams of a future don’t seem to hold much sway. I want to linger in that past just a little while longer. There are still those nights (though rarer, now) when I want nothing more than to look back and relive, once again, what was.
But so many hands tug at my sleeve. So many warm and wonderful hands. They gently direct my face and focus towards the future - a world of such fantastic possibilities. These hands have been tugging harder, lately, and with dogged persistence. When surrounded by my angels, I wonder why it has been so very hard to let go of the past, to let go of all those shattered dreams? My hands clutch at, what, exactly? These hands of mine are, in fact, practically empty. The promises and troths have long been broken, all trust destroyed, love torn and crumpled…renounced...tossed in a trash bin. Those past possibilities of mine proved to be, in fact, impossibilities.
What am I clutching?
Just handfuls of ashes.
Angels beckon and the past haunts. A cosmic push and pull, if you will. Still, the Cosmos is a miraculous place, is it not? A heavenly body will undoubtedly appear from somewhere beyond the dark horizon...
I see it now...pursuing a trajectory uniquely its own. This star will come to shift my gravity…pushing me farther and further into the future…pulling me farther and further away from my past.
* * *
posted by Jonas | 2/03/2007 02:39:00 PM
16 Comments:
It's true, Jonas, that sometimes it takes something/someone to nudge us out of the track we're stuck in. Someone to make new possibilities a reality. Something to make us want someone new, rather than someone we've lost.
The shift comes, without a doubt, but nothing can make it come before we're ready. Before we're done with rehashing and reliving and trying to revive what has been.
But what has been will eventually reside within us where it is supposed to, as a memory. And what can be will feature much more strongly. And then we understand properly, all the wonderment of something new and positive and good as it comes to us. Our future.
Just keep pushing towards your binary star's light! Put on your shades..your future is bright...
Ah, Fiona, your words are undoubtedly true and quite comforting.
Thank you - Ms. Poet Cheesy.
When I read this the first time, a tiny trickle of thought nudged me, I had to find it, which took a while, but find it I did.
A quote: "A shooting star moves from left to right, dipping once, like a woman might dip her head if she saw someone she loved..." ~Kris Raddish~
That handful of ashes Jonas?
Someday.....you will open your hand to the evening sky, to let them fly free in the wind, and when you do some of them will just float away, you will not see where they land.
But a few, a few will be shooting stars, stars of those you love and have loved you. For no matter how it ended, there was love there once, and it is there still, only hidden away in the folds of the fabrics of their/your souls.
As your soul-fabric flutters in the breeze toward the future, more stars will weave their way into your being...a future of fantastic possibilities.
My goodness, you are waxing so rhapsodic, my Delight!
Smiling, just practicing for my future career with Hallmark.
Oh, how I hope that is true, for you. For everyone. But are you being pulled in only one direction? I feel like I have multiple suns pulling at my center, so I end up just spinning. It's dizzying, but not in a good way. Old control habits are hard to lose, but the control is gone. Maybe we're becoming grownups?
"Maybe we're becoming grownups?"
Oh, Ms. Devil, if you could have seen me collapse in laughter...(only to dissolve to tears). At age 55, I'd like to think I'm growing up. Truth be told, it feels as if I'm rushing headlong into abject dotage.
Still, to be serious, many hands tug at me, but I know it will take someone, something, a force of nature, an irresistable pull, to alter my orbits, my patterns, my ways of thinking and feeling and seeing the world. Luckily, for me, for you, for everyone, those heavenly forces abound.
Ha, made ya laugh again. After love, isn't laughter the most precious gift? Or maybe it comes first. Hm, maybe you can write an essay about it... I wouldn't want anything to completely change the way you think or see the world because then we might lose your beautiful writing.
But I do love to "see" you smile.
[[Jonas, would you please delete the previous comment, with the same text as this? Little boo-boo there. Sheesh.]]
Ms. Green-Eyes, here's my operative order:
laughter...lust...love (dancing's somewhere in there, too).
I might just post an entry about that (someday). I can't very well do that soon, though, for it would simply scream that I am putty in your hands...
Mm, putty.
Mm, male attention.
Don't make me wait too long.
LMOA @ you 2... get a room!! hehehe
:o)
Oh, Cheesy...no good can come from having a green-eyed, stiletto-wearing imp meet a wobbly geezer in a room...any room. It's virtually certain I'd wake in an emergency room - to find doctors, needles, nurses, defibrillators, and all the other traditional accoutrements of an ill-considered pairing such as that
Sounds like we were gonna have big fun. Until I had to call 911. Still, could be worth the trouble (easy for me to say).
It's never easy to let go of the past, is it not? Is it what makes us human sentimental, yet at the same time foolhardy? Maybe we have yet to fully understand ourselves, or maybe we'll never, even if it takes us a lifetime...
I like your blog, the way you express your innermost feelings, giving forms to your wide range of emotions without overbearing to the point of dislike to your readers.
I'm not sure why I am foolhardy and sentimental, Mr.Monogatari, I always assumed it was genetic...although, undoubtedly the past always makes itelf felt...somehow.
Thank you for your complimentary words. I hope you stop by again.
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