A Melancholy State
I fell into a woeful melancholy state this evening. I didn’t see it coming.
I suppose the gray winter sky played a role. The scudding clouds.
The cutting wind. I felt chilled as I went about my business. The day was raw and night came early. Still, I did not anticipate nor perceive the Damoclean veil of blue that hovered overhead.
Perhaps it was the wine I sipped at dinner. Then again, wine (more often than not) opens doors to whimsy not dolor (in this reprobate, anyway).
No. The melancholy came later. I had been feeling restless lately.
I had shed the weight I had gained courtesy of my anti-depressants. I’ve been lighter on my feet. My clothes hang loosely, comfortably. They now afford the freedom of movement I relish. With that new-found ease of movement came wanderlust. I felt the need to sally forth, to tread new trails...experience the World...again.
And so I fell into a reverie, indulging myself with visions of places never seen, never sensed, never experienced. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to visit Europe again (but the US dollar had been too weak...thus, travel too expensive). Times have changed (Oh, how they've changed!). The dollar is strong (temporarily), the Euro weak.
The time to GO is now.
My reveries grew explicit. Where to go? What to see? I’d been hankering to visit Prague and Budapest, but the season there has changed, just as it has changed outside my window and my own front door.
I thought of Spain or Italy. Ah! Methinks they would suit just fine! And then the fog descended. My soul was filled with Blue. I realized I’m no longer the solitary adventurer I used to be. I hunger for a true companion, a kindred wandering spirit to share in the journey, the adventure and the experience. But...I have no one.
It was then that the blue fog descended.
That was when the tears began to fall.
* * *
That was when the tears began to fall.
* * *
posted by Jonas | 11/17/2008 11:05:00 PM
9 Comments:
I've been through what you describe many times. It's usually when I finally allow myself to imagine myself doing fun and adventurous things (such as traveling to Europe, yes) that I get into the blues. It used to be because it reminded me that there was no one to share it with. Nowadays, since I've stopped caring about that I just feel blue knowing I'll never be able to appreciate anything the way I used to. Feel the beauty and magic of things with my every pore. Those days are gone. The haze of the lithium is too thick and blunts every experience so that my motto these days has become “what's the point?”
All the same, in all my travels, I have to admit that for the most part I've been on my own and for the most part, that's when it's been most enjoyable.
Oh, Ms. Smiler! I hope the lithium haze will dissipate, someday. You're too young, too gifted, to live this way.
I, too, had my greatest adventures as a solitary seeker. But that was then. As Edward Weston wrote:
"I've known the joys of one alone.
Now I wish to experience the joy of two together..."
Nothing EVER stays the same forever. That's why hope remains eternal.
heartfelt and honest jonas. rarely do i hear a voice speak so straightforwardly and with such grace about something so well known and yet so quietly endured. patience, knowing that this moment is all there is, is what helps dissolve the blueness and let in the light. nothing is ever perfect. and yet we have much to be grateful for. thankyou.
you can always find someone on the journey.
even if it's just yourself.
travel wildly. it's the only way to go.
and at least birds don't get decapitated in your office when you're traveling in Europe.
though it's not physical, I'd travel with you on your way. in your on-line pocket.
Jonas, my friend -- Yurp will welcome you with open arms, whether alone or accompanied.
I was recalling recently that the first trip I made to North America was on my own. New York at night simply terrified me (it was 1981) and it was very hard to stand before Niagara Falls and marvel on my own.
But a few days later in Montreal I met up with a group of young travellers who simply couldn't get their act together to go and see the same things. I joined up with them for a while, but we stood static and indecisive for far too long and finally I broke off alone. And unexpectedly it was a huge relief.
I'd learned a valuable lesson. The solitary traveller may miss the company, but the road often has more to share when you're on your own.
And as I said, Yurp will be waiting for you once again, whenever you are free to fly.
I think Eleanor hit the nail on the head.. Maybe it is time to go out in the world and find yourself. I too went through years of blueness being alone --after losing my partner. When I quit looking at what I didn't have, someone found me. It's not perfect and it's long distance. I relish the moments we do share but I also am still "alone" and sometimes... that's OK! Please find some peace in your heart my friend....
Oh and I suggest Tuscany! GREAT wine!!
So beautifully written. I suspect that if you go traveling you will meet someone you can later travel a bit more with. What about France? Budapest sounds good too. It might just be the tonic you need!
You have in yourself a great travelling companion, one who has experience with globe trotting and also knows you well.
So head out on your own and see who you meet along the way. The blueness will lift as you go and you just might meet another someone who is alone while on your travels.
I bet it would do you a world of good, Jonas.
I vote for Spain and I agree with the others - go and explore.
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