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Monday, December 29, 2008

Drunken Stupor

If one were to do a Google search for images entitled “drunk” one would find almost ten million images (I will leave it to others to judge the societal value of that). At any rate, I guess I’m not alone (is that a good thing?).

My Christmas was an extended and poignant good-bye. If one must say good-bye to dreams and hopes and faith and trust...well...
Christmas is a pretty good venue for that. For, you see, Christmas is nothing if not the embodiment of hope. No matter how fearsome the pain, there is something in the air on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day that, somehow, stanches the bleeding...if only for a little while.

Perhaps I’ve faced just one good-bye too many. The last few years have been a most sorrowful litany of good-byes. Is there a limit? Just how much can one heart take? I don’t know, but I think I’ve skated perilously close to the edge. I cried on Wednesday. I cried Thursday. On Friday, I bought a fifth of rum. I started drinking. I bought another fifth on Saturday. And I kept drinking.

I fell into a drunken honest-to-god-I can’t-walk kinda stupor that I haven’t experienced in decades. There are consequences, of course. No, no, I didn’t drive. I didn’t venture forth into the world to wreak havoc and mayhem on innocent bystanders.
I merely drank until my eyes grew blood-shot and bleary, until I wobbled and stumbled in an alcoholic daze and, somehow, managed to crush my eye-glasses beneath clumsy feet.

No matter. It takes a whole lot to kill heartache. I haven’t drunk nearly enough.

And so, 2008 draws to an end. It has not been an easy year. I intend to numb myself to the pain still percolating within these last remaining days. This was not the healing year I had hoped it would be. To the contrary, it was a year of broken promises and abject destruction. A year of sighs and sorrows. I’ll buy another fifth tomorrow...and the day after. I’ll do what I must to quell my brain and numb my heart because...because...there’s only so much one can experience and endure.

Come Thursday, a new year will commence. I can’t say as I like the “feel” of the number 2009, but it’ll have to do. It’ll be a new year. Another chance at salvation, redemption and healing.

I’m gonna flounder my way through the waning days of this misbegotten year. I’m gonna explore the far reaches of the place called Oblivion in the hours left of this singular circumnavigation of the Sun. And then it will be done. Finished.

My eyes have been shuttered too long. My legs have been shackled too tightly.

No more. No longer. No way.

* * *

* * *


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes!Yes!Yes! No way. No how. Good to hear!!!!!!!!!! Drink if you need it. In fact, it makes me want for a drunken stupor of my own. If I hadn't a young child, I'm sure I'm be stuporing much more often.

Mon Dec 29, 11:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yup there comes a time when you just cant hold anymore pain (or liquor) then you just have to let unhappiness go and let the door kick it on the way out. the holidays - fuggettabbouttit its over (almost
but yknow i smiled at the somehow humorous angle on the edge of the tears and the beers, then the song at the end is like a final exhalation or something. when crying is too easy and drinking is too hard, stay in the middle and have some really good pie.

Mon Dec 29, 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

These words just make me want to punch through my monitor and give you a huge hug. Pain is such a fickle beast...Drowning is sometimes the answer but not a long time cure. Keep looking forward dear~~ and crying rids you of toxins so go forth and leak when you must. [[[u]]]]

Tue Dec 30, 07:42:00 AM  
Blogger anna said...

I'm not a fan of drunken stupors. Quite honestly I've never been drunk and I stay far away from those who are. However, you do what ya gotta do. Pain led me to running. It was either that or ice cream.

I hope 2009 is everything you expected 2008 to be... and more.

Tue Dec 30, 09:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found 2008 to be one of the worst years of my life. So many people have reported the same. And it wasn't just to do with the downturn in the economy. I wouldn't love to be drunk at the moment but I would love to be zoned out on pills. Oh yeah - I remember those days. The world could've been burning down around me and I was lost in some very pleasant alternate universe.
You're right - there is an off note to 2009. I tell myself it couldn't be any worse than this year, but with the way things have been going....
I hope the drinking helps. Please have one for me, hon. XXXX

Tue Dec 30, 05:14:00 PM  
Anonymous serenity said...

whenever i ask how much more can i possibly bear i seem to always hear the same answer coming back ....."more"

Tue Dec 30, 11:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What can I say Jonas? I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sending my very own prescription to make you feel a little better. Take care.

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Wed Dec 31, 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger Ponita said...

Well, Jonas, the booze may keep you numb for a while, but sooner or later you have to face life, and get on with it.

So here's wishing you the strength and fortitude to do that, to put this all behind you and to move forward into a better space.

Warm hugs to you and best wishes for 2009.

Wed Dec 31, 10:45:00 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Pssst~~~ Happy New life!

{hehehh wv~humpe}
Just made me giggle~~

Thu Jan 01, 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Sunny Delight said...

It doesn't help, I wish it did, but it doesn't.

Wishing you...wishing you so much it can't all be written here.

Sat Jan 03, 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Imez said...

What are you going to do different this time?

That is the only thing that really matters.

Mon Jan 05, 06:12:00 PM  
Blogger Ponita said...

So... Jonas... how is the New Year shaping up? Hopefully you have gotten ride of the booze, pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, and are getting on with life.

Speaking of getting on, I have a change of location: Ponita in Real Life

Wed Jan 07, 08:20:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Forgive me, Dear Hearts, for not responding sooner to your comments. I had a bit o' heartache to numb and recover from.

Done and done.

It is a new year, after all, and even though the world outside my window is dead and frozen, Spring will come, and with it, new hopes.

I'm grateful that you have not judged me too harshly for collapsing into a stupor. I'm even more grateful for the admonitions and the kicks in the butt. It's good to have friends who are willing to slap me upside the head to bring me back to center.

I appreciate the jokes, relish the support and love the hugs.

I owe you more than you know.

Sat Jan 10, 01:30:00 PM  
Blogger eleanor said...

Ah... Drinking makes the thinking go away.

Your song choice, at least, made me smile.

Aron and I are heading to see Colin Hay this weekend. We love the Melbourne Song.

Sun Jan 11, 03:38:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Eleanor! I'm always delighted when you stop by. I hope you enjoyed Colin Hay's performance (there's something about his voice that appeals greatly to me).

Could you do me a favor? Could you send me an e-mail (you can find my address in my profile)? I want to reconnect because I've got a question to ask...

Sun Jan 11, 07:50:00 PM  

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