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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

On Living Alone



I never imagined that I would enter old age as a solitary soul. Five years ago, the possibility never even crossed my mind. My, oh my, how life can change! Reminds me of that old joke/saying:

Wanna make God laugh?
Just tell Him your future plans.


Today, the obverse is true. I cannot imagine having a partner. My feral heart and shattered psyche send me scurrying for cover at the slightest hint of a friendly overture. It will take a long, long time before healthy red blood displaces the cynicism and bitterness now coursing through my veins. I'm in no condition to love, and to even try would undoubtedly hurt some innocent soul. I could not bear the thought of that. Love is, of necessity, the province of the emotionally healthy.

Life is chock full of surprises…not all of them pleasant. Some are decidedly unpleasant. Life-alteringly unpleasant.

I won’t be completely alone. I will have my pets. I’ve spent my life in the company of animals and will most assuredly remain surrounded by cats and dogs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, animals have been my best teachers, my paragons. Although I wouldn’t say they are completely guileless, they do not outright lie. They do not make false promises. They are quick to forgive and forget. They are loyal and loving, and they do not renege on their affections. Their souls are pure, and I love them unconditionally (who wouldn't?) for that.

I will have my friends. Although I’ve shrunk from them of late (not wishing them to see me as I pathetically am these days), I know that this is just a transitory phase. I need them too much to remain in seclusion indefinitely. I love them too much to forsake them. I have loved them for decades, and will undoubtedly love them even more in my dotage. It is a fait accompli.

But a partner? Not likely.

I’ve had more than my fair share. I’ve devoted my heart and soul, my blood, my sweat and tears on behalf of significant others. I gave my best and tried my hardest (well, for the last two+ decades, anyway). I’ve nothing left to give, and I’m too weary to even try. The heart and soul are shut-off and empty. The blood lies pooled on the killing floor. I’ve shed way too many tears already. I have to relearn how to be happy within my own skin again.

The healing has not even begun (now, that's pretty obvious, isn't it?).

I am, on the other hand, willing (eager, even) to toil and sweat on behalf of strangers. I truly crave a higher purpose in life than merely accumulating wealth (something I'm actually quite good at), or simply indulging in a life of leisure. I want to teach. I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to make a difference in someone's (anyone's) life. I will devote whatever skills I may have in the service of others. I believe sublime joy is to be found in that.

There are, however, other matters of import to consider.

It is a perverse truth that hair begins to grow in the most inaccessible of places as one ages (read and weep, you youngsters). For many months, now, I’ve been slowly tortured by the hair growing in my ears. The tickles in my ears are incessant, absolutely unrelenting. I’ve tried my darnedest to find the malicious culprits and yank them out by the roots. I’ve failed miserably. I’m being slowly driven to utter distraction...bordering on madness. I’ve even considered pouring Nair™ into my ears, but I fear the possible unintended consequences. Oh, this is something I never expected. Nothing and no one prepared me for this.

At this point in my life, I don’t need, or want, a partner…but, will someone please, please, trim those hairs!?! That simple act, alone, may not mean much to others, but it would mean the world to me.

I would, of course, gladly and gratefully return the favor somehow.

From there…well…who knows? Truth be told, I’m not one to allow casual ear canal penetration by just anyone. I may come to want a partner, after all. Life is full of surprises...some might even be pleasant. Magnificent, perhaps. Maybe. Someday. Maybe.*** Maybe not.

* * *

*** (She'd have to be truly amazing...the bar has been set so high)

6 Comments:

Blogger soul_rebel said...

Things will work out, you just never know who might walk into your life and turn it upside down. Life is rarely static I've found.

By the way, inspired by your boldness (along with Eleanor's), I've decided to upload a profile picture. I suppose blogging doesn't have to be entirely mysterious.

Chin up, friend.

Sat Oct 21, 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Ah...the Dwight Yoakam look...but...truth is in the eyes.

(Have you noticed that not a one of us has revealed the eyes?)

Sat Oct 21, 11:07:00 PM  
Blogger eleanor said...

I'm smiling here to see you both conversing. And tentatively showing your respective faces.

The internet connection in PNG is rather lacklustre, so I don't often get to read here, but I try to from time to time. It's a bit of a treat, for when I'm done reassuring family members that I've not been eaten by cannibals.

I am astonished at the overlap in our music tastes Jonas, and, like your friend Mr Rebel, you often give me inspiration with your thoughts.

I agree, the eyes have it.

Can I see your smiles and raise you a pair of eyes?

Sun Oct 22, 10:57:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Ah, Ms. Eleanor! So nice to have you drop by. I, too, worry about the possibility that you may end up a feast for cannibals. It's a strange world you inhabit. Stranger still to consider that I write about watching snow fall as you write about snorkeling among the tropical fish. It's a great big world after all.

I'm not surprised our music tastes overlap. Not surprised at all. I hope you take the time to hunt down the songs you don't recognize on my list. I'm sure you'll find they are worthy of your ears.

You may not know this, but it was Mr. Rebel who introduced me to you some time back.

Now, as for revealing smiles and eyes...well...that's a pretty tall order, my friend. My smiles are so rare and fleeting nowadays, I doubt that I'm agile enough to capture such ephemeral phenomena. As for the eyes? Ahem, I expect flowers and dinner first.

Mon Oct 23, 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger Amaris said...

I, too, am impressed with this new addition to your profile. I second the motion for the eyes... for they are a window to your soul--and facial expressions give much insight to one's character.

Tue Oct 24, 12:08:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

I'm afraid, my friends, you'll simply have to accept this small self-portrait for the foreseeable future. I rarely fool around with cameras anymore. I was simply toying with the camera in my mobile when I spied the opportunity for this self-portrait. Trust me on this...it's about as accurate a portrait as I can muster. The chiaroscuro and dolorous purple serve to depict me accurately...as I am...these days.

Tue Oct 24, 01:05:00 AM  

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