On Living Alone

I never imagined that I would enter old age as a solitary soul. Five years ago, the possibility never even crossed my mind. My, oh my, how life can change! Reminds me of that old joke/saying:

Wanna make God laugh?
Just tell Him your future plans.

Today, the obverse is true. I cannot imagine having a partner. My feral heart and shattered psyche send me scurrying for cover at the slightest hint of a friendly overture. It will take a long, long time before healthy red blood displaces the cynicism and bitterness now coursing through my veins. I'm in no condition to love, and to even try would undoubtedly hurt some innocent soul. I could not bear the thought of that. Love is, of necessity, the province of the emotionally healthy.

Life is chock full of surprises…not all of them pleasant. Some are decidedly unpleasant. Life-alteringly unpleasant.

I won’t be completely alone. I will have my pets. I’ve spent my life in the company of animals and will most assuredly remain surrounded by cats and dogs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, animals have been my best teachers, my paragons. Although I wouldn’t say they are completely guileless, they do not outright lie. They do not make false promises. They are quick to forgive and forget. They are loyal and loving, and they do not renege on their affections. Their souls are pure, and I love them unconditionally (who wouldn't?) for that.

I will have my friends. Although I’ve shrunk from them of late (not wishing them to see me as I pathetically am these days), I know that this is just a transitory phase. I need them too much to remain in seclusion indefinitely. I love them too much to forsake them. I have loved them for decades, and will undoubtedly love them even more in my dotage. It is a fait accompli.

But a partner? Not likely.

I’ve had more than my fair share. I’ve devoted my heart and soul, my blood, my sweat and tears on behalf of significant others. I gave my best and tried my hardest (well, for the last two+ decades, anyway). I’ve nothing left to give, and I’m too weary to even try. The heart and soul are shut-off and empty. The blood lies pooled on the killing floor. I’ve shed way too many tears already. I have to relearn how to be happy within my own skin again.

The healing has not even begun (now, that's pretty obvious, isn't it?).

I am, on the other hand, willing (eager, even) to toil and sweat on behalf of strangers. I truly crave a higher purpose in life than merely accumulating wealth (something I'm actually quite good at), or simply indulging in a life of leisure. I want to teach. I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to make a difference in someone's (anyone's) life. I will devote whatever skills I may have in the service of others. I believe sublime joy is to be found in that.

There are, however, other matters of import to consider.

It is a perverse truth that hair begins to grow in the most inaccessible of places as one ages (read and weep, you youngsters). For many months, now, I’ve been slowly tortured by the hair growing in my ears. The tickles in my ears are incessant, absolutely unrelenting. I’ve tried my darnedest to find the malicious culprits and yank them out by the roots. I’ve failed miserably. I’m being slowly driven to utter distraction...bordering on madness. I’ve even considered pouring Nair™ into my ears, but I fear the possible unintended consequences. Oh, this is something I never expected. Nothing and no one prepared me for this.

At this point in my life, I don’t need, or want, a partner…but, will someone please, please, trim those hairs!?! That simple act, alone, may not mean much to others, but it would mean the world to me.

I would, of course, gladly and gratefully return the favor somehow.

From there…well…who knows? Truth be told, I’m not one to allow casual ear canal penetration by just anyone. I may come to want a partner, after all. Life is full of surprises...some might even be pleasant. Magnificent, perhaps. Maybe. Someday. Maybe.*** Maybe not.

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*** (She'd have to be truly amazing...the bar has been set so high)