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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Correspondence


My Beloved,

I knew the poem would resonate within you, as it did inside me.

How am I, you ask?

I move through my days in a quiet rhythm. Melancholy and hope more or less in balance. I feel an emptiness and a restlessness and "I've grown really good at missing you...I practice every day". The past is slowly receding and the future grows more alluring.

I watched the film In Bruges, a few days ago. Have you seen it? While the screenplay was oddly compelling, it was the locale, the city itself, that took my breath away. I vowed that I will visit Bruges someday.
I had no idea such a gem existed. And I thought how much I'd love to visit Bruges with you, how I know that you would be every bit as enchanted as I...

I worry about you every day...throughout each day.

And I contemplate what you wrote in your thank you card, that:
"I am blessed having you in my life" when all the while I feel like a forlorn exile...standing alone as you recede farther into the distance. Left to cheer for you and pray for you and love you as a stranger from the outside looking in...no longer truly "in your life."

I look beyond the snow and ice knowing that spring will come. I am patient with myself, others, the season and the healing. I wish there was music in my life, in my heart, but there's precious little. It doesn't bother me as much as it once did...but I patiently await its return as a sign of redemption and a harbinger of joy. Much like Noah, I suppose, waiting for the dove to return bearing an olive branch.

I grow thinner. My hair brush collects ever more hair. I ponder when, not if, to adopt a dog and a cat or two (I sorely need the exercise and great big dollops of animal wisdom).

And I sort and cull and donate and discard...preparing the foundation for a new life that I know will be slow in coming yet am certain will arrive. I take a Seroquel tablet at twilight to sleep and I experience incredibly vivid dreams. Some nights, I dream of you.

And how are you, My Love?

* * *

Risk
by Anaïs Nin

And then the day came,
when the risk to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took to Blossom.

* * *

12 Comments:

Blogger L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

Wow. There's so much hope here...cleaning out the old to make way for the new. lovely.
The Risk is one of my beloved pieces of wisdom I pull out when I need to. I needed to see it. Thanks.

Tue Jan 20, 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger shadowlands6822 said...

Dear Jonas,
Saying "Goodbye" is so very hard. Maybe, being on the outside looking in is much harder than a final fairwell...But, it is the only path to a new "Hello" for yourself, first and to others next.

I am so sorry for your heartache.

Wed Jan 21, 05:00:00 AM  
Blogger anna said...

I predict that music will be back in your life very soon.

Wed Jan 21, 05:56:00 AM  
Blogger Selma said...

Soon the blooms will come. I just know it. You are one of the good 'uns!!!

Wed Jan 21, 06:56:00 AM  
Blogger rebecca said...

Oh, how beautiful...as your writing always is, and yet sad. Melancholy words filling a page but with the spring-like hint of a new, beautiful life that soon will be borne.

Thank you for stopping by and leaving that lovely comment on my blog. It was nice to hear from your again. And, it was lovely to return to read your words once again....

Wed Jan 21, 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger tipota said...

you done it again, stunningly beautiful. what a mind, what heart. brilliant, thanks jonas

Wed Jan 21, 10:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Darling,

Yes, the poem is indeed perfect for this time of my life.

It does my heart good to read you are finding a sense of balance in your life. I know the living of life has been very difficult for you these past few years, and my distance of late has only added to that. You know my thoughts on you needing a pet…let me remind you, I have a cat that needs a loving home (smiling).

I cried when I read you feel as if you are stranger on the outside looking in. I cannot bear the thought of you not being a part of my life. In my heart, in my thoughts, I turn to you often when I need comfort. You wrote "I've grown really good at missing you...I practice every day", I know the feeling well, my Love. There are days when I literally ache to hear your voice, to feel your touch. I do not attempt to soothe that ache, for I do not wish to cause you further pain.

I’m desperately trying to find my way in this new life of mine. There are moments now, when I begin to allow small dreamlets of the future to take hold, hoping their tender roots will sink deep, and I truly will blossom someday. Truth my Darling? I hope, I wish…ah, it does not matter what I hope and wish, as I have no right to do so anymore.

I did a bit of research on Bruges after receiving your letter. The photographs alone enchanted me, to experience the city itself would take my breath away, this I know. To explore it with you? Oh! Dare I allow that dreamlet to take hold? I cannot say.

As the future unfolds before me, I ponder many things, wonder over many more, and yet, find no answers to my many questions. When I think of you, of me, of us, I feel we still have so much more to learn you and I. Will I, will you, reach a point in which that becomes a possibility? Again, I do not have an answer. There are days in which I wish that one night of opening ourselves to each had been many. Days in which I wonder where we would be today, if we had had that opportunity.

I love you, and please do not worry about me, I will survive and learn to dream again.

Wed Jan 21, 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger lu said...

Ok, well this is beautiful heartache and I can't write anymore for the sobbing.

Damn romance.

Wed Jan 21, 07:16:00 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

this is beautiful

Sun Jan 25, 04:25:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Once again, I've been remiss in responding to comments. Forgive me. The scales tilted towards deep melancholy...and silence.

I am truly grateful for your concern, for your encouragement and all the other blessings you endlessly bestow (even unwittingly).

Thu Jan 29, 07:31:00 PM  
Blogger the psycho therapist said...

I was going to say "gorgeous" and then I read the response to you from "anonymous". Now it's just "whoa".

_

Fri Jan 30, 08:19:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

If a psycho-therapist, a Boddhisatva, is left confused, what chance have I?

Fri Jan 30, 08:48:00 AM  

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