Romance Languages

Funny how a casual comment can worm its way into my head and keep my brain cells preoccupied for weeks on end.

An acquaintance mentioned she had read a book, long ago, that described people's "love language." The author’s thesis was that we communicate love in four distinct ways: through physical expression, words of affirmation, actions and gifts. She explained that people who speak “physically” feel loved, and offer love, through touch…hugs, pats, handholding, snuggling and caressing. The physical expression goes way beyond sex, although sex is very important to physical people. Affirmation people need to hear/offer verbal words of support and praise. Action “speakers” feel loved when someone does something for them, and they express their love by “doing” for the other. Gifts people want gifts, they want tangible evidence of love and they, in turn, give gifts to express their feelings for the other.

My friend explained that most people are “multi-lingual” to one degree or another. She said that children communicate in all four ways until they sort out what works best for them…often influenced by their parents’ modes of expression.

As a consequence, when people feel unloved or under-appreciated, it may be because their lover is communicating in a language they barely understand. Words of affirmation may not mean much to someone who wants/needs gifts. If someone needs their lover's touch to feel truly loved, or if they need to hear just how much they are appreciated, but what they get is a recitation of how hard the other works on their behalf…well, it's simply not enough. Love gets lost in the communication.

Some relationships are simply Towers of Babel.

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Well, me being me, these notions kept me up quite a few nights. The author’s postulate makes sense. It feels true at gut level.

My knee-jerk reaction was that I’m an “action” person. But, in truth I relish all forms of expression (I’m still a child at heart, I guess).
I further confused myself by reflecting that I am an action person due more to necessity and a sense of obligation/responsibility, rather than as a primary means of communicating love. If work and money were not an issue, I'd lean heavily on the other three forms. The actions that mean the most to me are the simplest ones. I’ve touched on this before, in this entry.

I'm a generous gift-giver, offering presents to others better than anything I would buy for myself. Although I love to give gifts, particularly those I’ve created with my own hands, I’m not overly keen on receiving gifts. I guess that suggests that I’m not a true “gift” person.

I freely (and often) write love letters, and communicate through the sharing of poetry and music. I crave physicality (in all of its manifestations). Often, though, life demands action, and I find myself doing what needs to be done.

In fact, I got really hung up on the “action” concept...ah, yes...more sleepless nights.

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Part I of III
(to be continued...)