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Sunday, March 25, 2007

A Growing Serenity


I’ve noticed/realized that I’ve written precious little, lately.
I apologize to you, Dear Reader, for the clicks wasted to visit here, only to find nothing new or noteworthy.

Silence happens.

There have been other times when I’ve been relatively quiet. Over the past two years there have been months when I’ve found few words. Heretofore, it had always been a matter of too many questions and precious few answers.

It’s different this time.

I’ve lapsed into a serenity of sorts. Oh, sure, my head is still a ramshackle jumble, a cacophonous carousel. It always is. If my mind were ever to grow quiet and serene, I would surely die of terror. There’s always a riot going on upstairs.

I try to shelter you from my perennial ponderings about political prevaricators, the irreligious religious, humanity’s inhumanity, the Tao of bowling, the metaphysical mysteries of soup, the significance of shoelaces, and all the flotsam and jetsam ever present within this insomniac’s skull. I am a merciful man.

I’ve tried to answer my most pressing questions, define my deepest ponderings and truths. I have grieved the loss of three of my most important relationships. All had ended in the death of either someone or something most precious, rare and beautiful. I have grieved mightily. I’ve stumbled and crawled through all the stages of grief (even adding a few of my own). There was denial, anger, resentment, bargaining, guilt, numbness, depression, disorganization and despair aplenty. These emotions, these hurts, were my grist for words as I groped for acceptance, hope and understanding.

I’ve grown silent.

All the questions that could be answered have been answered. Those that have no answers have been buried or abandoned by the wayside. I can’t undo my doings. I can’t “un-choose” the choices I, and others, have chosen. Life’s road is, after all, a one-way street. I can look back (and often do), but time will slowly obliterate my footsteps, brambles will overgrow my traces, and fog will descend upon the road once traveled. I can look back through the mist, but know I can’t go back.

The way calls forward to the future.

Life and Love cry out to me, again. I’ve been lashed to the mast for too long. I yearn to submit to the Sirens’ Song. Granted, my steps are still tentative. I’ve yet to find the legs to dance. Still, I am on my way. My growing serenity tells me that it is time I must.

As Winter bows before the grandeur of Spring, I turn my face to the warming sun and the cleansing rain. Music has made a return, of sorts. Quiet songs of love and hope fill my ears again. I look to the future a chastened man, a humbled man. I look to the future with open eyes and an open heart. It’s not for me to know if I will prosper or perish and, frankly, it makes little difference (although I do have a decided preference for one versus the other). Whatever waits beyond the horizon will be my fate, my destiny.

I shall embrace it all with a growing sense of serenity.

* * *

(to be continued...)

25 Comments:

Blogger ever_trying said...

I'm glad to hear that you have found peace -- such a rare gift.

It's funny, I only write when there is something troubling me, so my silence is normally for the best too. Shall we say it's ok to be silent for a while? :)

Sun Mar 25, 09:19:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

My goodness, ET...I've missed you!

I'm rather delighted to learn that your silence indicates that all is well in your world.

I will not go so far as to say I've found peace. I've found acceptance and a certain serenity. Peace awaits only at my death. I'm far too restless and reckless (and clumsy and foolish) to find peace any sooner.

Even now, as I edit my entry, I smile. This business of being human is a complicated endeavor, no? I'm certain my next blunder is merely a step away...

Sun Mar 25, 09:33:00 PM  
Blogger deb said...

But isn't it our mistakes that teach us the most? Push us to grow?

I'm finding a certain serenity as well. I feel less desperate, less agitated, more willing to wait for what will come next and more certain that I can deal with whatever it is that comes next.

I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens on the outside, it's how I choose to see it on the inside that's important. Gives me a strength I didn't have before.

I had a family supper last night that involved cooking for a good part of the day and ended in shouting and angry words, my husband and daughter. Normally I would have been angry as well, they spoiled my supper and my mother's. But last night it didn't. Their anger wasn't my problem and it's quite freeing not to get sucked into their drama.

Now, I'm just rambling. I'm glad you wrote something. I love reading your words.

Mon Mar 26, 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Thank you, Deb. Given your specific circumstances, I wish you an infinite abundance of serenity.

Mon Mar 26, 09:19:00 AM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Girl said...

Utterly beautiful, as always...and you're going to dance again! I know it in my heart. Life is as hard and precious as a diamond. Embrace it.

Mon Mar 26, 05:18:00 PM  
Anonymous ebwrite said...

I was happy to read this, Jon. But I don't want to be spared the Tao of bowling.

Tue Mar 27, 08:53:00 AM  
Blogger Twilight said...

I hope you dance!

Tue Mar 27, 04:05:00 PM  
Blogger Sunny Delight said...

It is nice to read that you are achieving some peace in your soul...a good direction to be going...below...a quote that resonates in my life at the moment, trying to find my own path to serenity.

"The past is gone. You can do nothing about it. The future is not yet here so there is no need to worry about it. The only gift of life you have is now. That's why they call this gift of life, our present." ~Ozzy Gontang~

Hmmmm.....parallelisms abound today....an ex-marathoner, a marathoning therapist's quote....and the word verification...runfgwh....for this comment......

Tue Mar 27, 07:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Roads said...

Good for you, Jon. It's been a long road, and perhaps stretches of it will still open up ahead from time to time. But you're on your way now, and that's what's most important today.

I know I've said it before, but still it's true - grief is a desperately hard and tiring journey, but it does bring a certain impregnability at its destination.

So enjoy serenity. You've bloody earned it.

Wed Mar 28, 06:32:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Ah, yes, Ms. Green-Eyes...I will dance again! Once the heart becomes brave enough to hear the music again, the swoops, slides, dips and glides aren't far behind!

Thu Mar 29, 01:45:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Thanks, Buddha! I doubt if I could teach you anything new about the Tao of bowling.

I probably have an entry about my spiritual journey gestating the words somewhere within my brain-pot. I'm slowly becoming a Buddhist, almost by osmosis. It has not been a conscious choice...simply the heart/mind/soul responding to TRUTH...(vague enough for you?).

By the way, Ed, I've found my own answers to your koan's...thanks!

Thu Mar 29, 01:51:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

I assure you, Ms. Twilight...I WILL dance again (I just pray it's not the "Funky Chicken" or the "Hokey-Pokey"!).

Thu Mar 29, 01:53:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Oh, Sunny! You...more than anyone...know why I feel a growing serenity!

Thu Mar 29, 01:55:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Ah, Roads! If only life were as pleasant and carefree as a walk in the park!

Thu Mar 29, 01:57:00 AM  
Blogger mist1 said...

That was beautiful.

I rarely experience silence. It wears me out. But, it keeps me entertained.

Thu Mar 29, 08:18:00 AM  
Blogger anna said...

How wonderful that you're ready to move forward. I'm very happy for you. That grieving process can be a tricky one; not to mention demanding too. I'm sorry for the losses you've endured, but am glad you've found the strength or wisdom to let go of the unanswered questions. They can drive a person mad, you know. I'm looking forward to reading more about your journey - the good and the not so good.

Thu Mar 29, 09:36:00 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

This is an astonishgly gorgeous post.

Sun Apr 01, 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger Fiona said...

A click to here is never wasted Jonas :) as, while there is sometimes little new content, the thrill of finding posts such as this, unexpectedly, is heightened by it not being a daily occurrence.

It sounds like you're on course for, and open to, some wonderful new beginnings and I reckon you will cut a mean rug out there when the time comes ;)

Mon Apr 02, 06:00:00 AM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Mist1 - When it comes to sheer entertainment, you, young lady, simply can't be beat! Thanks for visiting.

Thank you, Anna, for your kind words. We are all fated to grieve (sooner of later). It's part of the Journey. I don't mind sharing mine with fellow travelers. I welcome it.

Ms. Flutter - The astonishment is all mine. Thank you for your compliment!

Ah, Fiona! I've reached that stage in life when my dancing serves as much-needed comic relief for others. That's OK with me, though...it's still dancing!

Wed Apr 04, 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

But Jonas... I like the hokey pokey!

I sit here tapping my fingers... to be continued... sigh

Wed Apr 04, 01:08:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

"But Jonas... I like the hokey pokey!"

(sheepishly blushing) So do I, Cheesy, and...and...the Macarena, too...(shhhhhhh!)

Wed Apr 04, 01:23:00 PM  
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Wed Apr 04, 01:34:00 PM  
Blogger Gillette said...

The Macarena- Wow...you're even more cooler than I thought! Wow.

Wed Apr 04, 09:39:00 PM  
Blogger Jonas said...

Easily impressed, are you, Ms. Gillette? (I'm laughing)

Wed Apr 04, 09:49:00 PM  
Blogger Gillette said...

Well...shoot...it's the Macarena, Mr. Jonas!

Wed Apr 04, 11:39:00 PM  

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