Are You Content?

I posed this question to a friend:

“Are you content?”

Silence ensued. I understood. That’s not a question answerable with a simplistic “yes/no.”

“Am I content?” I asked myself

I pondercated a bit. Yes and no. I’m satisfied with approximately two-thirds of my life. That’s right, I’m content with roughly four decades outta purt near six. I've experienced forty years of decent (often joyous) living. Twenty years o’ Hell.

And it’s not like those forty “good” years were all that good or easy. They weren’t. I’m a human being, I’m talkin’ ‘bout 40 years of trials and tribulations. Even so, I consider them my “good” years because I know I did the best I could, bringing to bear all the skills that I possessed in search of the best possible outcomes. Still, there were tears. Buckets. Because I didn't always succeed...in fact, I failed often. The outcomes varied. But that don’t matter much to me. I did the best I could.

Then there are the “twenty.” A third of my life haunts me. I’m troubled knowing I wasn't true. I hurt, knowing I hurt others. Forgiveness remains out of reach. I squandered a third of my life being less than I could or should have been.

I did damage. Threw away gifts and sold myself cheap.

“Am I content?” I ask myself

No. Not really.

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