If one were to do a Google search for images entitled “drunk” one would find almost ten million images (I will leave it to others to judge the societal value of that). At any rate, I guess I’m not alone (is that a good thing?).
My Christmas was an extended and poignant good-bye. If one must say good-bye to dreams and hopes and faith and trust...well...
Christmas is a pretty good venue for that. For, you see, Christmas is nothing if not the embodiment of hope. No matter how fearsome the pain, there is something in the air on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day that, somehow, stanches the bleeding...if only for a little while.
Perhaps I’ve faced just one good-bye too many. The last few years have been a most sorrowful litany of good-byes. Is there a limit? Just how much can one heart take? I don’t know, but I think I’ve skated perilously close to the edge. I cried on Wednesday. I cried Thursday. On Friday, I bought a fifth of rum. I started drinking. I bought another fifth on Saturday. And I kept drinking.
I fell into a drunken stupor...an honest-to-god-I can’t-walk kinda stupor that I haven’t experienced in decades. There are consequences, of course. No, no, I didn’t drive. I didn’t venture forth into the world to wreak havoc and mayhem on innocent bystanders.
I merely drank until my eyes grew blood-shot and bleary, until I wobbled and stumbled in an alcoholic daze and, somehow, managed to crush my eye-glasses beneath clumsy feet.
No matter. It takes a whole lot to kill heartache. I haven’t drunk nearly enough.
And so, 2008 draws to an end. It has not been an easy year. I intend to numb myself to the pain still percolating within these last remaining days. This was not the healing year I had hoped it would be. To the contrary, it was a year of broken promises and abject destruction. A year of sighs and sorrows. I’ll buy another fifth tomorrow...and the day after. I’ll do what I must to quell my brain and numb my heart because...because...there’s only so much one can experience and endure.
Come Thursday, a new year will commence. I can’t say as I like the “feel” of the number 2009, but it’ll have to do. It’ll be a new year. Another chance at salvation, redemption and healing.
I’m gonna flounder my way through the waning days of this misbegotten year. I’m gonna explore the far reaches of the place called Oblivion in the hours left of this singular circumnavigation of the Sun. And then it will be done. Finished.
My eyes have been shuttered too long. My legs have been shackled too tightly.
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